It’s been a long time coming—exactly ten years, eleven months, two weeks, and five days—but Matthew and I are finally getting married. Today. In like two hours.

Oh my god, we only have two hours left? Shelly! You were supposed to be my clock! You were supposed to keep me on track! I was supposed to deliver the toast to my bridesmaids at two thirty three and what time is it now? Come on, Shelly, don’t give me that look! WHAT. TIME. IS. IT. Exactly. It’s two fifty five! We are so behind!

What? What did you say, Erica? Calm down? YOU calm down! Today is MY special day and it has to go absolutely perfectly! Unlike SOME PEOPLE—cough—ERICA—cough—I only plan on doing this ONCE so it has to be amazing and it can’t be if we aren’t on schedule!

Oh my god, look at me. I’m getting splotchy. I’m getting so upset that I’m getting splotchy. I’m sweating. Oh my god, I’M SWEATING! I’m hot and splotchy and sweating and LATE! Oh my god, oh my god!

Maybe we should just call it off. Call it off, right? I mean, do I really want Matthew for the rest of my life? Oh my god what if he does that thing—that weird thing with his toes—like, more now? Oh please, Lindsay, like you don’t know about the weird toe thing? You’re his SISTER! Oh, I do not care. Yes, of course it’s sexual! That’s what makes it weird! Stop gagging, I know! It’s gross! Am I going to be like obligated to like the toe thing now? Maybe I should call it off.

Oh, oh bless you, Annie. That cool cucumber mint scented towel is really calming me down right now. Oh, this is so much better. Hold on, let me take a sip of this champagne. Wait, did I finish the toast?

Shelly, why do you look so mad? Why is Erica crying? She like NEVER cries. What? I said WHAT? Oh my god, I honestly don’t even remember that. Are you sure? I’m so sorry. What? What did I say to Shelly? Oh, give it a rest. Be more punctual next time. Lindsay? Linds? Hey, honey, you okay? You look like very traumatized. Honey? Sweetie? Can you hear me?

What, Jules? I talked about the toe thing? In front of her? But she’s like fourteen or something! She doesn’t know how weird men can get like sexually I mean. Oh my god, Lindsay, honey, I’m so sorry!

You guys, I think I had a rage blackout. No, for real. I’m serious! I really, really don’t remember the past two minutes. Hand to god, I don’t. Can we just forget about the things I said? Can I get a wedding day pass? How about you guys like throw your worst at me so we can even the playing field? Yeah, I see a hint of a smile on your face, Erica! Okay, go. One each! Make it good!

Jules, you first. Okay. Uh huh. Oh my god! That was one time. We were in like eighth grade! Let it go! So what if I made out with your brother after you fell asleep at your birthday party? Did you ever think that maybe it was special for me? Did you ever once ask me how I felt about him? Did you even know that I had a huge crush on him and that night he gave me my first kiss and while the memory of my first kiss should be magical, it is instead marred by your screaming? I mean talk about overreacting.

Oh, overreacting is what got us here. Sorry, Jules. Sorry. I have registered your distaste and now we’re even. Gosh, I just feel so much better. Glad we got that out.

Next up…who’s next? Okay, Annie, you go. Yeah. Yeah. That all you got? Come on, girl, hit me harder! I know you’ve got it in you! I always say you’re tougher than you think. Don’t I? Don’t I always tell you that? You’re tougher and stronger than you think! Oh come now. Come now, don’t cry! Honey, sweetie! Don’t cry, my girl! Okay, okay, sorry. I shouldn’t have pressured you. Sorry. I know you don’t like being on the spot and you don’t like being the center of attention and you don’t like being pressured and you don’t like it when people point out stuff you don’t like and I’m just being the absolute worst!

Okay, stop crying. I accept your qualm. I acknowledge that I buy everything for myself that you say you want when we go shopping. And yeah, I kind of do it on purpose. And yeah, maybe that’s because you’re way prettier than me and I don’t want you looking better than me! Okay, woo-sa, I feel better. A weight off my chest! Kisses!

Next on the plate-dun-dun-dun-daaaaa!—Lindsay! Go, sweetie pie. I know you’re Matthew’s baby sister, but I’ve known you since you were this high and I watched you grow up before my very eyes. You can tell me anything, anything! I swear! No hard feelings! Go!

Oh. Oh my god. Oh my god, Lindsay, that really hurts. Like on a deep emotional level. Oh my god. I can’t believe you’ve harbored such a violent animosity against me for so many years. Oh my god, that really cuts to the core. Like I don’t even want to look at you. Like now I kind of feel uncomfortable around you. Oh my god, is that going to show in the bridal party photos? Oh my god. I hope not. It’s not like I can kick you out of the bridal party because it would totally throw off our flow. And Matthew and your mother would just be so full of questions. God, I can’t handle this today. You broke my heart and also I sort of fear you now?

I’m crushed, you guys. Erica, do you have anything to say? No? Okay. Shelly? No? Oh, what’s that? We’re actually doing okay on time. What? Haha! Oh my god! You wrote a bridal meltdown into the schedule? Oh my god! You must’ve totally done that behind my back! That’s so funny. That’s hilarious. You’re like the BEST clock EVER! Oh my god! We’re ahead of schedule? That’s amazing. Do we have time to do a bridesmaid toast? Oh, great!

You know what? Let’s pop a new bottle of champagne. This one has gone all warm and flat. I feel like we can only celebrate with cold bubbly fizziness. What? Who cares. Dump it out. Open a new one. OPEN A NEW ONE!

THANK YOU. Whew, deep breaths, Claire, deep breaths! Raise your glasses, bitches!

It’s been a long time coming—exactly ten years, eleven months, two weeks, and five days—but Matthew and I are finally getting married. Today. So soon! I am honored to have such beautiful, wonderful women to walk me down the aisle. Having my girls by my side will make my day that much more brighter and fuller and I love all of you so, so much. Lindsay! SMILE! I’M COMPLIMENTING YOU! Ahem, as I was saying…