“Hey, girl. My name is Derek, but you can call me Genie because tonight I’m going to make all your wildest dreams come true,” Mr. Derek said, giving a smoldering look. I bet if I were a woman, my panties would’ve dropped to the floor right then and there!

Hands went up all around the table and Mr. Derek picked Stan first. He said, “So…so then could you also say ‘if you know what I mean’ at the end of that with a winky?”

“God damn it, Stan!” Mr. Derek yelled as he pounded his fists on the table, “It’s IMPLIED by the TONE of my voice! Have you learned nothing in this seminar?”

“Sorry, Derek. I mean Mr. Derek.”

“It’s okay, buddy. Just don’t make me yell like that again, alright? It messes up my chi and if my chi is messed up, I can’t show you the way. Now, let’s all take a quick breather.”

Mr. Derek has been teaching us the art of seduction for the past twelve weeks. He leads this annual seminar called ‘Prowling: Hunting Women with Love – Rules and Regulations for Success in Love in Just 13 Easy Steps!’.
It’s a mouthful, I know, but it’s not like he said he’d be teaching us a writing class or anything.

Mr. Derek is a master of the game, a sorcerer of seduction, a pick-up artist if there ever was one, according to his brochure. Let me tell you: the spots in his seminars are COVETED. He only lets in nine guys a year, and me, I’ve been waiting three years for my chance to learn from the best! You could say that a three month long seminar in seduction at $5,000 a pop is ludicrous, but I think it’s a steal. It’s an investment for the future. What are we without love anyway? Guys like me never have a chance with the ladies. We’re comic book nerds, science freaks, math geniuses, social awkward demons, and we need a little guidance.

Now, my mom and sister believe that we will all eventually find our perfect match, and they say maybe I’m looking too hard or not in the right places, but women just don’t notice me, and in the event that they do, I get sweaty and just can’t find the words.

Guys like me, we need Mr. Derek. I mean, look at him! He’s medium height and lanky with stiff spikey hair and sideburns! He is really wearing that long-sleeved striped polo and I think it’s very practical that he wears it with an undershirt. To me, he oozes confidence and style. His carpenter jeans and Adidas hearken back to the styles of the late 90’s and I really think
that one thing women really look for is a man with vintage flair. If he’s not the epitome of what women want, then bonk me on the noggin and call me Nancy!

Our seminar started twelve weeks ago, and yes, tonight is our last night together. His website testimonials all feature guys like me who have found love, some of them even on the last night of class, which Mr. Derek calls the Moment of Truth. He guarantees that we will go home with an eligible female at the bar of his choice. He believes in his system so much that he
doesn’t offer a refund in the event that it doesn’t work out because he says that would cast doubt on the whole project.

Twelve short weeks ago, we met in Mr. Derek’s mom’s basement because the usual classroom was being fumigated. She served us pizza bagels and RC Cola and the first step in our seminar was to admit we were losers. He wanted
us to shout it from the rooftops, but his mom wouldn’t let us go up there, so we stood on the back deck and yelled it instead. It was very cathartic, actually.

The second step was fitness. Mr. Derek mandated that we get standing desks at work and do a maximum of thirty minutes of cardio—like speed walking or aerobics—three times per week. He said that the mommas won’t want us
if we’re too flabby and will be intimidated if we’re too buff, so we need to maintain a nice median.

Steps three through seven all involved grooming. Stan once asked him why it wasn’t just one step and when Mr. Derek said that each area—hair, skin, nails, clothes, and scent—were so integral that they needed to be their own steps. Made sense to me, but Stan accused him of needing fillers for his thirteen step program. Boy, did things get tense there for a minute!

Step eight: book smarts—women don’t like dummies.

Step nine: become well-versed in all things woman—fashion, nails, magazines, etc. We have to have SHARED interests, Mr. Derek said, we have to be able to talk to women about things that matter to them.

Step ten: perfect THE FACE. Mr. Derek played Zoolander on VHS for us in his mom’s basement. It’s commonly thought of as a comedy, but Zoolander’s Blue Steel is the look we should all aspire to if we want to end the night knocking boots, if you know what I mean.

Step eleven: memorize some romantic literary passages like by E.L. James, Danielle Steele, and Stefanie Meyer, for example. Women have been known to literally melt for their books. They also fantasize recreating the love making scenes in real life. Mr. Derek says it’s just science.

Step twelve: practice pick-up lines on each other. Lines such as: “Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!” and “If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?” and “I’m not a photographer, but I can picture you and me together.”

Step thirteen: The Moment of Truth: putting theory into practice.

So here we are at The Stone Bunny, Mr. Derek’s current favorite pick-up spot. He got us a round of raspberry Smirnoff Ices and gave us a quick pep talk. As usual, Stan said something that upset Mr. Derek, but it looks like he’s coming around and our quick breather is over, thank god.

Mr. Derek rubbed the palms of his hands together and said, “Okay, boys, let me show you how it’s done! Watch carefully because you’re next. I’m going to go chat up that little honey over yonder. Pay attention.”

He walked over to her and said hello. She said hello back.

Then he said, “Great legs. What time do they open?”

She turned as red as her dress! She slapped him! She threw her drink at him!

I wonder if this whole thing was a scam.