I’m very thirsty. One thing that no one ever tells you about the desert is that it actually makes you very thirsty. I’m so thirsty that all the pores in my skin have gone completely dry and I’m not even sweating anymore! My tongue feels foreign in my mouth and my eyes actually feel like dried up prunes. Is that a thing? Can eyeballs just shrivel up like raisins in your skull while you’re still alive? I really should’ve brought some water, but how would I know that the desert could be so dry?

It’s like you always hear about desert islands and desert oases and I just figured they’d pop up every couple of miles or so. You know, like Wal-Mart.

And the HEAT! Gosh, don’t get me started on the heat! When you look at pictures of the desert, you think to yourself, “Wow, looks great,” not “Wow, looks hot”! At least I didn’t before. I guess that’s because pictures can’t really show you those heat lines that rise up all around. The air actually looks really wavy and I wish we had the technology to show wavy air in photographs. Hey, that’s a good idea. I should invent that! Just as soon as I get home and get some water, whatever that is.

I really like to watch TV shows, but I feel like they’re the reason I’m out here. Like in Breaking Bad, Walt and Jesse go to the desert all the time to make meth and stuff and they never actually bring any water or talk about how hot they are. I guess I kind of figured that human bodies just naturally acclimate to the desert climate. Now, I’m willing to admit that I’m no scientist, and I was actually very wrong about that. But what are ya gonna do? You live and you learn and then you get Luvs, as they say. I don’t really know why they say that because I am an adult man who doesn’t have any need for baby diapers.

Now, what was I saying again? Oh yeah, TV shows. There is also that episode of Entourage where Johnny Drama drives into the desert when he is experiencing an extreme life crisis and he actually looks very handsome and non-sweaty the whole time. Oh yeah, and there is this other episode where the whole gang plus Ari go out into the desert and sit on some huge boulders, which, by the way, where can I find some boulders to talk to, I mean sit on? And they take some acid like Jim Morrison did in the desert and they have a pretty good trip. See, they remembered to bring acid, but not water, so I kind of figured it wasn’t really a necessity, you know?

So then my buddy was telling me about this guy Henry David Thoreau who lived in a cabin in the woods for forty days and forty nights because he was seeking a simpler life. He was all about sustainability and creativity and he actually wrote a very famous novel during that time, if you could believe it! It’s called Walden. I actually never heard of it, but it is apparently very good.

So then I thought, what if I did like Thoreau except in the desert? That’s some Moses shit right there. Sprinkle in a healthy dose of acid from time to time and I could probably write the next great American novel! And plus maybe I could score some meth, which I’ve been meaning to try for a while now.

I told my buddies over pizza one night and they were actually pretty supportive. They were like wow, that is such a great idea and you can probably be so creative out in nature because it’s the great outdoors and all. One of my friends, though, told me to be cautious and train my body and make sure that I’m prepared to deal with the elements and I was like nah, I’m going to live off the fat of the land!

So I came out here this sunny July morning with a backpack full of acid, pens, paper, and beef jerky. Just me and the desert. I felt really ready and willing. That must be how women feel just before I give them the D. Shazaam!

I’ve been walking for a couple of hours now and boy, was I glad when I found you! You offer shade, sustenance, and actually a really kind ear. I feel so much better now that I’ve talked to you, honestly. I hope you do, too. There’s something about camaraderie that just isn’t appreciated enough in these trying times, I think. Now, can you open that tap right there and pour me a big glass of water?

Ow! Gosh, that hurt! Why’d you go and prick me like that? Wait, you’re shape shifting. That’s actually pretty weird, but I guess it’s to be expected, what with the acid and all. You actually kind of remind me of a cactus. Has anyone ever told you that? I bet you get that a lot!