This is THE SPELL!

Welcome to The Spell, the only competition show on TV that matters. The strongest witches from across the country have been invited to compete in this blockbuster magic competition in its premiere seasons. Literal goddess of magic Circe has signed on to join megawitches Sally Owens, Elphaba, and The Weird Sisters, with me, Carson Daly, as the host.

The idea is simple: the judges will sit upon their gnarled thrones with their backs facing the stage. If a contestant’s spell is potent enough, they will add eye of newt to their cauldrons and their chairs will spin around on a storm cloud. If more than one judge turns around, then the contestant gets to choose whose team to be on. I know what you’re thinking and no, this is in no way similar to any other competition show that exists. Sometimes I get the feeling that it is and I actually have hosted the other one, but Circe gives me some lovely tea and assures me that’s all in my head.

Let’s get started with the blind auditions! –With apologies to two of the three Weird Sisters who are actually blind. It’s just a figure of speech.

Our first contestant is Moonstar Lovelace. At just sixteen years old, she believes she has found her calling in witchcraft. Let’s hear more from her.

“Hi, I’m Moonstar Lovelace! I’m sixteen years old and I’m from St. Louis, Missouri. Growing up, I was always treated like an outcast. It’s like you make one mistake one time and no one ever wants to talk to you. When I was just seven years old, I hadn’t yet harnessed my powers and when I threw a tantrum in my first grade classroom, I accidentally hexed all the girls in my class and they haven’t been able to grow any hair on their bald heads since. I guess people think they’re cancer kids, but I didn’t mean to incinerate all of their hair! I feel like it was so long ago and I want to show the world that I’m good and deserve friends.”

Wow, Moonstar, that must’ve been really hard for you. Don’t cry! You’ve got to go up on stage!

“Can I have a tissue? Thanks. Yeah, it was hard. I know it was bad, but I don’t think that means I should never have any friends! It was a mistake!”

I know, Moonstar. Well, look: you can show them! Just get out there and wow the judges!

“Yeah! I will! Thanks, Carson! I’m so ready for this. I would love to be on Sally’s team. I feel like I could learn so much from her. And maybe I’ll get to meet Gillian!”

Okay, the judges are ready. Everyone, please give a hand—NOT LITERALLY, TAKE THEM BACK!—for Moonstar Lovelace!

Moonstar walked out onto the stage. The room was very dimly lit and vaguely cavernous in its dampness, size, and overall feeling. Sounds bounced against the walls and it was hard to tell where they originated. The smoke cleared and the judges were revealed, their backs facing Moonstar.

She rolled her eyes to the back of her head and started speaking in a deep, raspy voice, very unlike her own childish one. “OLEM DONEM PIRANAH. MYFOLIA PARSNIP VELOURA!”

And at the end of her incomprehensible sentence, she raised her hands and piranhas started floating through the air.

Elphaba threw in eye of newt and turned around, holding her green face between her hands.

Moonstar wiggled her fingers and the fish started chomping mindlessly, getting dangerously close to the noses on audience members’/faithful minions’ faces.

The Weird Sisters added eye of newt and turned around.

The fish started massacring the crowd. Children were running and screaming and time was up.

The piranhas fell to the ground and Circe and Sally Owens turned around to join their fellow judges. They looked at Moonstar on the stage, so small and powerful, yet vindictive.

“Well, that was…interesting,” said Circe.

“Thank you!!” said Moonstar.

Sally Owens spoke up: “I’m sorry, what was the point of that spell? Why would you hurt your audience?”

“Oh, I didn’t mean to. It’s just that I was going to feed them parsnips, but only if all four judges turned around. I really thought you’d turn around, and when you didn’t, well, they went for the noses,” said Moonstar with tears in her eyes.

Sally Owens sighed, “Well, you thought wrong. Magic shouldn’t be used to hurt people. Unless that person hurts you or your family.”

“Moonstar, sweetheart, how old are you?” asked Circe.

“Sixteen,” she said, crying freely.

Circe waved her hand with an air of Meryl Streep circa The Devil Wears Prada years, “Ah, youth. Well, let’s see what the judges who turned around have to say.”

“Double, double boil and bubble! You, little girl, could mean trouble! Could it be that we three have happened upon the little bee that could truly set our magic free? Stick with us and you’ve got to trust that evil will grow and your face will be aglow far beyond the reaches of this show!” changed the Weird Sisters.

Moonstar seemed taken aback, “Uh, rhyming!! That’s cool! But I’m not a bee?”

Elphaba had been sitting quietly, but she just couldn’t take it anymore. She said, “Look, Moonstar, that was kind of an irresponsible spell, but I can see that you have potential. If you join my team, I will help you hone your skills and use them to invoke positive change in the world!”

“Wow! High praise from Elphaba, Moonstar,” Carson Daly said as he walked out onto the stage to join her. “So, who will you choose? Elphaba and using your magic for good, or the Weird Sisters and using your magic for…whatever they have in mind?”

“Well, when you put it tht way, this is kind of hard!” Moonstar shouted, “But I have to say that while I really appreciate that Elphaba wants to help me, I’m actually pretty drawn to the Weird Sisters. They’re really a wild card! I’m going to go with them!”

“With you on our team, we will fulfill our wildest dream! When three becomes four, you will find out that it opens the door to everything you’ve ever wanted, and more!” chanted the Weird Sisters.

“Well, there you have it, folks! We’ll be right back after a message from our sponsors!”