Who even travels by boat anymore? I mean from continent to continent, not like a cruise from New York to Bermuda or anything. Like, don’t we have airplanes now so we don’t have to take literally weeks to get from point A to point B? And like THIS is how people lose their sanity! When we left New York, I was totally normsies. Like my clothes were cool and I was a totally chill chick, you know? Now look at me. I mean seriously, look at me.

One day like…six months ago?…my  husband was like, “Hey, Jess! Let’s go to Europe!” and I was all, OMG really?? And he was like, “Yeah, babe, we’re in a place financially now that we can go for the summer.” And I was all OMG no effing way! The whole summer? And he was like “the whole shebang.” And I was totally pumped. I bought like fifty guidebooks or something and I was like so wrapped up in the destination that I totally overlooked the journey because if there’s one thing Hubs is like totally mortified of, it’s flying, especially flying over the ocean.

But then I was like wait!! Hubs has been going to his therapist for quite a while now! I figured he worked through his hang ups and was going to like put theory into practice or whatever you call it. Like he conquered his fears and was totally going to celebrate it by flying to Europe for the summer! I was so proud of him. I was like look at my baby overcoming his issues, like a total triumph over evil and stuff!

So I went to his favorite store, Hugo Boss, and totally splurged on him. I figured he deserved some new duds for working so hard and like overcoming all adversity! I got him some pairs of shorts, chic as shit t-shirts, and one v nice suit because like I didn’t know what we’d be up to in Europe and I was like it’s better to be prepared! And honestly, I would much rather be overdressed than under-dressed in any given situation, except for like when we’re in the bedroom, if you know what I mean, wink, wink, nudge, nudge!

That night when Hubs got home, he was totally shocked to see all his new clothes and that I made his favorite dinner: stuffed turkey burgers with parmesan crusted potato wedges. I set everything out on the coffee table with some ice cold beers poured perfectly into the glass steins we keep in the freezer for just these types of occasions and I must say that my presentation was truly something to behold. I often look back at that moment and wish that I posted it on Instagram. Like, could you imagine how many likes I’d get? Especially if I did like #BLESSED, #LOVEYOU, #AMIRITE???

So like he walked in the door and saw my spread and he was all, “my girl’s the best!” and I was like you’re damn right boyo. And we ate our delish meal and drank our Brooklyn Brews. We watched Wayne’s World for like the billionth time because you know it was his night! Party on! So after a while, he tried on all his new clothes and we had ourselves a mini fashion show turned sexy strip tease if you know what I mean. I know you do! Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

We were lying in our soooo comfortable queen size bed experiencing some extreme post-coital bliss; I mean, my hair was wild and I was laying in the crook of his arm and we were all wrapped around each other like some tangled yarn.

Hubs was running his fingers through my hair and he was all, “Baby, what was all this for?”

And I turned over on my tummy and propped myself up on my elbows. I gave my best smouldering look and was all, “Why not?”

Hubs was like, “I feel like you went out of your way tonight, babe.”

And I was all, “Well, I’m proud of you!”

And Hubs was like, “For what?”

So I was like, “For overcoming our fears of flying for our trip to Europe!”

And he was like, “What? I haven’t. We’re not flying.”

I sat up and covered myself up and I was all WTF does that even mean!!! And can you believe he told me we were going to Europe for the whole summer because literally 75% of that time has been spent SAILING ON A BOAT to England. And I was like seriously who does that anymore?! But Hubs just wouldn’t budge and he already paid for our tickets like IN FULL and they had a no refund policy. It’s totally like they knew people would immediately regret buying fucking boat tickets to England, so they made them non-returnable because they have to keep their business afloat! Get it? God, I’m so punny sometimes. I mean, I guess it is a good strategy because their ship is literally packed full of other boobs who fear flying and their wives and like total weirdos who want like a taste of the old world by traveling in this extremely antiquated manner.

I’m telling you: I was so mad when Hubs told me! Like we went back to Hugo Boss the next day and returned like 85% of my previous day’s purchases because I felt like he didn’t deserve that stuff even though he looked seriously hot in his new clothes, and to be quite honest, I kind of feel bad about it, but don’t tell him that. I’m trusting you here.

So we got on this godforsaken boat in the beginning of June. I know! That was totally three weeks ago! I know! A normal journey would take five days, seven max. But this ship is seriously plagued. Like some idiot came aboard this ship with their kid who was like totally ill with the motherfucking measles or something because this bitch of a mother believes in Jenny McCarthy the SCIENTIST’s—haha, yeah, I know; what a joke—anti-vaccination myths and now literally all of us have to suffer. This ship is literally a breeding grounds of infection, like even the crew is sick—that’s why it’s taking us SO LONG to get there—so Hubs and I voluntarily quarantined ourselves in our cabin and we’ve been in this motherfucking suite for almost this whole time. It’s disgusting. Last night, I told Hubs that come hell or high water, I’m like totally flying back to America. No more of this boat shit.

“Uh…Jess? Who are you talking to?”

Hold on, Hubs is here.

“Who are you telling to hold on?”

Uh…hello! Mr. Siegel! Look!

“Mr….Siegel? You mean the sea gull outside?”

Yeah, that’s his name.

“Jesus, we need to get you off this boat.”