All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation by Rebecca Traister
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
So, where do I start? This book found me at just the right time for a number of reasons:
1. 2016 has truly been the Year of the Wedding (at least for me). It seems like everyone I know has gotten married this year. With eight weddings in three countries, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions, ranging from joy to exasperation. Although I am in a happy, committed relationship, undoubtedly with an engagement on the horizon, there were times when I was feeling left out and alone. Weird, right?
2. Recently I was with a group of women. One of them called me a “Yankee Feminist,” which I’m sure went meant as a back-handed compliment. I took it in stride. She went on to say that while she appreciates feminism, she has some issues with certain parts of it. I chose not to engage in this conversation, not because I’m averse to learning new points of view, but because we were at a party and I felt it was hardly the place to get into a discussion that could soon spiral into an argument over traditional feminism. I chose, instead, to take her comment in stride as an actual compliment. I said, “THANK YOU” when she called me a Yankee Feminist, because it’s nothing if not accurate.
3. Over the past few years, I have witness the downward spiral of a relative. A young woman, close in age to myself, who touted independence and strength as her reasons to persevere. That is, until a man walked in. Now, I’m not man-bashing. I in no way am against the love and commitments that new relationships bring. However, with this new relationship came a drastic way of thinking. Suddenly, her whole worldview changed. Suddenly, she started seeing our world in its truest patriarchal terms. She told me that women need men to protect and provide for us. She told me that our place is in the home with our children, not in the workplace. She told me that men should hold all the strength and the power in the relationship because that is what they are biologically built for. Then she ran away and got married.
So, a lot of things have been going on. I was raised in a feminist household. My parents taught my two younger sisters and me to be self-reliant, strong, and individualistic. They taught us to value ourselves and our dreams above all else, so I grew up thinking that OF COURSE I could go to college, have a career, and live my fullest, truest life all on my own. But I also grew up in this American culture that teaches women from a very young age the values of being pretty and not too smart, a culture that tells young girls that body is everything and the opinions of boys are all that matters, a culture that values marriage and the nuclear family. So, I grew up thinking about the inevitability of marriage, assuming that of course I’d be married by 25, with a house and a baby in tow.
Well, 25 has passed me by and as I edge ever-closer to 29, those feelings of WHEN IS IT MY TURN TO GET MARRIED have crawled their way into my sub-conscious. That is, until I read this book.
You see, not only is this book a wonderful anthropological look at feminism and the rise of the Independent Woman throughout history, it also serves a purpose to young women like me. I count my personal idols as Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and J.K. Rowling – three independent and creative women. I have followed their life’s work, I have absorbed their stories into my being, but there has always been a lingering “whenisitmyturn” in the back of my head. This book really helped with that. The way that Rebecca Traister weaves our nation’s history with the personal stories of a diverse group of women was comforting. The chapters on city life and single life seemed like they were written about my own life, and the lives of the women that I surround myself with.
I felt proud to carry this book around, as if the unquestionable independence and confidence within its pages could be absorbed by osmosis. I read it on the subway, in the yoga studio before class, at work between meetings, and in bed. One woman, probably in her 60’s, sat across from me on a relatively empty subway while I was reading it. I noticed her take out a small notepad and pen, craning her neck to jot the title of the book down. I held it up for her to see and the loveliest smile spread across her face. I felt like all of the things in this book, and all of the moments in my life, including this one, have been building up in such a way to make me truly appreciate my life as it stands, and to look at all of the women in my life, whether they are friends or strangers, with stars in my eyes.
Marie Hendry 