Okay, so by now, we’ve all seen the look of abject horror on New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s face as Donald Drumpf  (#makedonalddrumpfagain) yelled incoherently on Super Tuesday. The internet blew up. I mean, just look at his face. He looks like a man realizing that his dream of becoming best friends with Bruce Springsteen will never come to fruition.

Today, Thursday, March 3, 2016, Christie held a press conference basically to explain that Drumpf is not, in fact, holding him hostage. I do not believe him. I think that he is calling out for help.

Here is a list of things he is actually saying to us, the American public, in this 55-second clip:

1. Thank you for receiving the message my eyes were sending you on Tuesday.
2. I was and am definitely being held hostage.
3. I love the ‘internet’. It is a really fun place.
4. I’m a cool guy, I get it. Memes are fun when they’re not about me.
5. Please stop making fun of me.
6. Please stop.
7. This is not a joke. My feelings are hurt.
8. I was upset, angry, and despondent.
9. I don’t actually know how to stand behind a blowhard giving a speech because that’s usually me.
10. I promise I am okay.
11. Donald Drumpf isn’t trying to hurt me.
12. Donald Drumpf is not standing under my podium with a knife to my Achilles tendon, making me say these things.
13. Bruce Springsteen, please come save me.
14. BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE.